Grief

Yesterday we buried my grandma and I must say that the last few days (weeks) have really been difficult. The death of a loved one is never easy add to that already fragile pregnancy emotions, nausea/vomiting and emotional and physical exhaustion and well, it sucked even more.

I juggled a lot this weekend. Memories of so much time spent with my grandma as a kid and the imprint she made on my life. I value that and am saddened that my own child will never know her. Then almost in the same instant I would think of my own parents and their health problems over the last few years and become anxious that something will happen and my children will never have memories of their grandparents like I do.

Mixed in with that was knowing that 2 little girls were fighting for their lives as leukemia threatens to take their lives. One of them, SP's cousin, is not even 2. This makes me stress which is so not good for Biscuit...but how can you not? My grandma lived 84 years and these two little girls are just struggling to make it through another day. I can't help but wonder about what I would do if I was in that position with my baby.

It is so not fair, but I guess life isn't.

Please pray for my family who are grieving the loss of a great mom and grandma. And also pray for Ellie and Rachael who are fighting leukemia.

9-9-23 - 9-20-07

We'll miss you Grandma.

18 weeks

No news is good news

All is quiet on the baby front here. I almost feel not pregnant...almost. Not being able to fit into ones clothes doesn't really help with the feeling of being pregnant because right now I just feel fat. If it weren't for the heartbeat that I just heard recently I would swear it was ok to drink a cocktail and go for a long heart rate increasing bike ride.


But, it's not. I am in the calm before the storm I guess. The rekindle your relationship with your husband after vomiting for 2 months straight and not really paying him much attention stage. The put your laundry away because you just didn't give a rats ass before stage. The clean your house thoroughly because again, you didn't give a rats ass before unless the toilet wasn't clean, stage.

I have stopped getting on the scale, because I know I am gaining weight. I think it's primarily in my boobs...yes I am obsessed. Wouldn't you be if you went from a 34 B to a 34 D? Actually, it's 32 E but they don't make that size. Go figure. I am fascinated. They just keep growing.

Trying to stay active is somewhat challenging because I am so easily winded...they say asthma can get worse with pregnancy and I am short of breath a lot. I also want to just sit on the sofa but I force myself to go for a walk or do yoga or take pilates. Some movement is better than no movement I guess.

After looking around I think I have picked out the nursery bedding. I didn't want anything too pink or too blue and I believe I was successful. Of course, I am keeping that to myself for now. I am finding when pregnant people turn off their personal filters and feel obligated to tell you shit you don't want to hear about everything...I would rather not hear someone tell me they don't like my bedding. I figure if SP and I like it, that's all that matters.

Today I feel: good. We went to the zoo and it's a blue sky day. I threw up in the car, but who is counting?

Stamina

There are so many things I am not use to with this pregnancy. The vomiting was a big one. Don't think I will ever get use to that.

The boobs, well, it is a new phenom to have cleavage and a place for food to collect if I miss my mouth. I never knew I was such a slob, but I am consuming more food more frequently than I typically do.

The weight gain doesn't have me totally bent yet, but I did just lose the very weight I am in the process of gaining back. I keep telling myself I am brewing little Biscuit and this is a beautiful, curvy, goddess body. Sometimes it works. Other times, like in the AM when I can't fit into yet another bra or shirt or pair of pants, I feel a little sorry for myself.

The fatigue isn't much fun either. Sure I am a girl who loves to veg, read a book on the sofa or even take an afternoon nap. But this is ridiculous. I am going to bed as early as 9 some nights and am still tired. I hit a wall about 3 and lose all steam at work. It takes every thing I have to remind myself to do a little exercise. I really am use to moving at a much quicker pace.

The elation that others have about my being pregnant. People are so thrilled for me and it makes me feel special. I never expected such a sisterhood from the other mothers I know. That's a nice feeling, to not be alone in this journey or doing it for the first time even when it feels like it.

Today I feel: tired but well.

Poopy

Due dates seem like some arbitrary date pulled out of the ass of your physician. I am confident there was a class taught in med school called, How to screw with pregnant women and get away with it. All are guaranteed to pass because it really isn't scientific...just pull out a calendar flip through the pages and let your finger fall randomly on a date 9 months from the first day of the LMP.

Instead of picking a DAY it really seems more logical to pick a timeframe. The level of stress and disappointment that accompanies seeing that DAY arrive and pass wouldn't be as tramatic. You could still plan because you'd have that range to work with. I personally would rather be told, you will deliver somewhere between 2/20 (My calculation based on LMP.) and 2/28 (Their calculation based on ultrasound.) +/- 2 days.

So, that is what I learned today at the doctor...that there are differing opinions about my due date. I also learned that the pain in my left side is poop. Hard ass, backed up poop. Gotta love that.

Aside from the rock hard poo, heartbeat is good, weight gain is on target, everything looks nice and healthy. I did leave without a refill for the Z0fran...but I WILL be calling if that need arises again.

Today I feel: SLEEPY. I peed like 1,000 times last night and when I wasn't peeing I was tossing and turning. Otherwise, life is good.