Ramsey

This week we asked Ramsey to clean her room. Nothing unusual, just clean your room.

For me...I want everything in it's place, and preferably, unseen. Clothes in closet and in dresser. Shoes in closet. Toys in the toy bin. Books in the bookshelf. A clean room to me means no clutter.

This is not what is means for Rams. We checked out here cleaned room and this is what we found:

• shoes paired and lining the parameter of her bed
• toy bins removed from shelves and lined up perfectly on the floor
• Barbies lined up next to the shoes one right after the other.
• stuffed animals lining the shelf above her bed
• books stacked next to the stuffed animals

She had pulled everything out of its "place" and lined the floor with it. You could barely walk but everything was organized and in prefect lines.

This, is Ramsey. She is not tucked away someplace not to be seen. She is out in the middle of everything and exactly where she should be.

We made it past the 1st trimester at school where we were on "probation" because we informed them of her sensory issues. I think this was a CYA on their part, but she has excelled. While home time has been a little rockier than we'd like, at school she is doing everything we ask her to do. We think she just needs an outlet when she gets home so she's unleashing some of that pent up whateverness.

She's a special little girl and while there are moments I feel sheer frustration, I see such a special spark in her that I am trying like hell to cultivate and nurture. Her stubbornness and frequent screaming makes that challenging sometimes, but I think we are both learning and growing. While I don't want to wish away time I do look forward to seeing all she can achieve in life.

Worry

Sometimes I think my entire time so far as a mom has been overshadowed by worry. Worry with the undercurrent of fear about everything. It is all wrapped in love but kids don't always see it that way. 

I spend a lot of time worrying about my girls. I worry about their happiness, friendship, education, blah, blah, blah. Am I doing enough. Too little. Are they happy. Are they sad. 

Worry all the time and I wish I could just relax and enjoy the moment. I fear that if I don't worry and miss something it will impact them for the rest of their lives. 

Worrying is exhausting. 

Kindergarten and second grade

The first day of school went well. No tears other than mine. Both girls were super excited. 

Big sisters are the best

There are moments as a mom when you catch a glimpse of all your efforts with your kids actually working. This was one of those moments. First full day of kindergarten for Rams. Her big sister holding her hand and walking her into school. It does not get any better than this. 

Time flies but we stop to smell the flowers

365

It's been quite some time since I wrote here. A year to be exact. A year. 365 days of moments and memories that have passed. Some days I remember. Others I do not. And that makes me sad. My memory sucks. I get so caught up in the planning that I somehow forget to take that mental snapshot and file all that happens away in a special spot for future viewing. 

As I stumbled up a picture of C this last week from kindergarten I realized her first grade year had come and gone without a captured word. Not one written here. I got consumed with living. Surviving. Barely keeping my head above water sometimes as I navigated through the waters of motherhood. I failed a little I think by not doing the one thing that I love so much, writing. I always wanted to tell our stories. I always wanted my girls to look back one day and know their mom noticed when they did something, anything, everything.

I wanted to remind myself and them that there was a time just like this one when I cried and worried and loved them fiercely. A time when I stressed over bed times and shoes and what in the hell to pack in their lunches. I time when I spent hours trying to turn their beautiful blonde hair from green back to its normal color after days and days in the pool. 

Being a mom is fucking hard. There will be a moments, many of them, where I mess up. I cuss. I yell. I cry and lose my shit because I have no manual and just want to be successful at this one special role more than anything else. And I fail. I fall down and see them look at me failing. That's when I have to get up and show them I can mess up and still love them and still be a good mom. Show myself. 

So I need to write. Write the mundane. Write the uniquely special moments that are mint chocolate chip ice cream sandwiches that Cara lives right now. Write about how Ramsey's asking for those flowery ice cream thingies that I don't recall but she likely had once when she was 2 and remembers like it was yesterday. 

Write because I don't want to sort through a box of pictures and forget this was the year Ramsey started kindergarten and was missing her boyfriend Owen from her old school. Write because Cara started first grade will almost all of her baby teeth and now they are gone replaced by crooked reminders that babies grow up and mine aren't exempt from that. 

So welcome back. Welcome back me and welcome back you. 

In two days...

In two days I will be the mom of a 1st Grader. WHAT? When the hell did that happen? People tell you that all the time...it goes so fast, cherish it, and all that. But honestly, until you are living it you have absolutely no clue what they are talking about.

You have no clue until you look at pictures of your daughter from her first day of Kindergarten just LAST YEAR and realize she will never be that little girl again. She is taller. Smarter. Wise. Funnier. She is more sensitive and aware. She can no longer be called a baby or a toddler. She has opinions and a personality that are daily developing and often change minute-to-minute. She cries at things I can't understand and yet, I fully understand. She is brave and courageous while also quite and reserved. Her soul is gentle and she is full of compassion.

She is starting first grade in two days and holy shit I am not ready. I am not ready for mean kids, and home work. I am not ready to wipe her tears when someone breaks her heart. I am not ready to tell her that the world isn't fair and some people are mean and even evil. I don't want that bubble around her to burst. But, it's going to. There's already been little tears in that bubble and I do my best to quickly patch those tears without giving her a false sense of the world.

In two days it will be just like it is today...I will worry. I will doubt myself as a Mom. I will wonder if my efforts, though originating in a place of pure love, are the right efforts. I will show her how it's ok to be both vulnerable and strong, happy and sad.

In two days things will be different too. She will be a 1st grader and for all my anxiety and worry, she is excited and ready. She will show me how to be brave and face fears. She will hold my hand and let me know that while she is growing up, she will always be my baby girl. She will do amazing things this girl of mine.