365

It's been quite some time since I wrote here. A year to be exact. A year. 365 days of moments and memories that have passed. Some days I remember. Others I do not. And that makes me sad. My memory sucks. I get so caught up in the planning that I somehow forget to take that mental snapshot and file all that happens away in a special spot for future viewing. 

As I stumbled up a picture of C this last week from kindergarten I realized her first grade year had come and gone without a captured word. Not one written here. I got consumed with living. Surviving. Barely keeping my head above water sometimes as I navigated through the waters of motherhood. I failed a little I think by not doing the one thing that I love so much, writing. I always wanted to tell our stories. I always wanted my girls to look back one day and know their mom noticed when they did something, anything, everything.

I wanted to remind myself and them that there was a time just like this one when I cried and worried and loved them fiercely. A time when I stressed over bed times and shoes and what in the hell to pack in their lunches. I time when I spent hours trying to turn their beautiful blonde hair from green back to its normal color after days and days in the pool. 

Being a mom is fucking hard. There will be a moments, many of them, where I mess up. I cuss. I yell. I cry and lose my shit because I have no manual and just want to be successful at this one special role more than anything else. And I fail. I fall down and see them look at me failing. That's when I have to get up and show them I can mess up and still love them and still be a good mom. Show myself. 

So I need to write. Write the mundane. Write the uniquely special moments that are mint chocolate chip ice cream sandwiches that Cara lives right now. Write about how Ramsey's asking for those flowery ice cream thingies that I don't recall but she likely had once when she was 2 and remembers like it was yesterday. 

Write because I don't want to sort through a box of pictures and forget this was the year Ramsey started kindergarten and was missing her boyfriend Owen from her old school. Write because Cara started first grade will almost all of her baby teeth and now they are gone replaced by crooked reminders that babies grow up and mine aren't exempt from that. 

So welcome back. Welcome back me and welcome back you.