Oddly impacted

One of the things I love about working where I do is the sense of purpose I feel. It was a big selling point for me when I interviewed. I went from collecting money for major health plans and lining already overflowing pockets, to playing a part in the healthcare of children. No, I don't do direct patient care, but the work I do supports those that do. That is rewarding on many levels.

Since I started working at the hospital for kids I have made an effort to actually see those we treat whenever I could. Being in IT has me located in another building so I have to go to them. It always renews my sense of purpose even in the most saddest of instances.

Being pregnant hasn't changed that, but it has added a layer of sensitivity and apprehension about being too close to the actual patients. Not because I fear their illness, but because I fear the reality that babies get sick and many times they die. Sure this is a reality I have always known yet now, the realness hits closer to home.

This is why I am having a hard time going to visit SP's cousin, his wife and their little girl who is having chemo to treat leukemia. I want to. There's no reason not to. It just scares me too much to get past right now. Please pray for them.

Today I feel: thankful I haven't puked and mentally and physically drained.

Listy listerson

• Sometimes I like to write in lists because you can cover a lot.
• So, here’s the first list of many I am sure.
• These boobs are out of control…officially a C cup.
• I actually dropped food on them for the first time in my LIFE.
• It’s becoming hard to suck in the belly and you can definitely tell there’s a little something going on there.
• Wore a maternity tank top yesterday…it wasn’t too tragic.
• It seems sleeping on the sofa is working out for me. More so than the bed.
• We did massive cleaning and re-org yesterday to transition the office into the nursery.
• I didn’t realize we had so much shit.
• Had a dream last night that I let a baby that was not mine go underwater and then couldn’t see it because of my contacts to pull it out of the water.
• What the hell is that about?
• Yesterday SP rested his head against my belly for the first time…I like him again. (Ha!)
  

Today I feel: good…I know shocking!

Pity Party

Two days without vomiting has allowed me to think somewhat clearly. Not crystal clear because I have slept on the sofa every night this week due to my husband’s snoring that seriously could wake the dead.

What is clear is this…I have a lot going on and am a bit overwhelmed with it all.

There is the obvious thing going on in my life…I am pregnant. I won’t even go into all that is involved in that. Most people know the basics…it’s a little bit larger than bringing home a new puppy.

Add to this the fact that we want to remodel our bathroom before the baby comes and you see a little more of the madness. Our bathroom is AWFUL and it was always our intention to redo it. It just seems a little more pressing now because I am not sure when we’d do it if we don’t do it now.

So, we have planning for a new baby and a new bathroom. Woohoo.

Then, there’s my job. Effective Monday the work that used to be (sorta) done by 3 people will now be done by 2. I am one of the 2. My role doesn’t change but the teams I am working with change and with them comes a whole new set of challenges, priorities and responsibilities. I think this is what has me stressed out the most. I am not 100% right now. I am hormonal and sick and tired and blah…can I really do this work?

I mean, I am absolutely flattered that my bosses think A (my co-worker) and I are strong enough as a team to pull this off. They have a lot of confidence in us and that makes me feel awesome. But, this change would be challenging when I was at 100%.

That’s it for the clarity. I am pregnant, remodeling my bathroom and taking on new challenges at work. Just a little on my plate. What's a girl to do?

Today I feel: happy that I haven't thrown up and I pooped. It's the small things in life.

Headless

This is what happens when you set a timer and try to take pictures of yourself.

This is what happens when you actually find your head in the frame, don't suck in and you don't smile.

Can you hear that?

Sometimes I wonder if the Biscuit can hear what I am thinking. I hope not because if so, I need to start that therapy fund now. I can just hear it now...

"My parents called me biscuit."
"My mom referred to me as alien-like."
"When I was lime-size my mom would throw up a lot and blame me."
"My mom would think to herself, and sometimes say outloud, that she didn't like being pregnant. What the hell is that about?"

I know, I suck. But let's be honest, is there a person on the PLANET who would enjoy vomiting daily for over a month? August is proving to be just as retching as July was and I don't know of a single person who would sign up for this...but yet, in a way I did.

Despite all the whining, I really do want to be a mom...ok, lately I am questioning even that if I can't handle the damn vomiting with a little bit of grace and dignity. But my point is, I am a little disappointed in myself and I hope the Biscuit can't hear that.

I thought I would handle this better. I am not sure I am really handling it at all. I have spent the last two nights sobbing as I am puking because I am doubting my ability to be a good mom. Sure drawing that line between my ability to handle constant vomiting and childrearing is a stretch, but who said I was rational right now?

Maybe I need therapy? ha!

Today I feel: pleased because I rode the exercise bike for a bit. Nothing like I used to but moving felt good.

Thump

There really is something amazing, and a little alien, about hearing a heartbeat coming from your body that is NOT yours. People act like that's so normal, the heartbeat. But holy hell...there's something in my belly that has a heartbeat of its own and it's growing!

I met doctor #3 today for my monthly appointment. Now that I have met half of the doctors in the practice and liked them, I am glad I made the decision to switch practices.

Today I feel: mildly nauseous and tired.

Lime in the Coconut

At this point in my pregnancy Biscuit is the size of a lime. I am not sure pregnancy websites should use limes as a reference because, well, I want a margarita now more than ever. Aren’t there other fruits that are about that size that are less associated with a frozen, yummy cocktail? Like say, the kiwi?

I guess not every pregnant woman is thinking about margaritas...but I am. It beats thinking about throwing up which has consumed my life for the last month. I am ready to move beyond that…SO READY.

Physically, I don’t look pregnant. I look bloated. Some clothes still fit, others don’t. I had to go buy new bras because the one thing that is definitely noticeable is my ever increasing bust size. I have yet to gain any weight but it’s coming…I know it’s coming once the vomiting eases.

Tomorrow I have another doctor appointment. Will let you know if anything exciting happens.

Today I feel: excited that I had yet to take the Z0fran and have managed to actually do more than lay on the sofa.