Today found me crying in the parking lot of a bagel place that is next to my OBGYN. I cried, A LOT. This was after I went to the doctor, not because of a bad bagel. The bagel was actually really good and hit the spot.
The crying was because today I found out nothing had changed. 1 cm and 70% effaced. Absolutely NO f-ing change and I officially reached my breaking point.
I have tried really hard to not get hung up on a due date or to convince myself that I would go into labor on a specific day. Unfortunately, when you are puking randomly again, swelling like a balloon, gain weight like there's no tomorrow and sleeping like shit, it's difficult to NOT get hung up on a date.
I am due in 12 days. If I reach that date, I will have to wait another 7-8 days before an induction as per my doctor 80-90% of women go into labor on their own during that time. And...there are risks associated with induction that they try to avoid.
So the reality is that I will have this baby before the end of the month which is a positive and a negative. This isn't a surprise I am just sorta miserable both mentally and physically and I needed to cry it out.
The other bonus of a moment was when the doctor was doing the exam and while pushing from one end also reached his hand up on top of my stomach and said, "I am going to push her bottom down a bit too." I was getting pressed from both directions and honestly all I could think about was if you can push her ass down, why can't you push her all the way out?
The plus side of my visit is that her heartbeat is good and everything in her world is perfect. It's just the baby brewer needed to have a meltdown so she could regroup and get her shit together in preparation for the actual arrival of her little girl.
Today I feel: all crampy from my compression. I also feel cleansed a bit from my cry. I am ready to be a mom with all it's ups and downs and over being a pregnant person.
PS - side note to send good vibes to Tracy who had back surgery today and Cathy who had a heart attack over the weekend. Both are doing ok based on what I know at this time and I'd like to keep it that way.
2 comments:
Well you look fabulous and I'm glad you're feeling a little better after your cry. We will get to see and hold Biscuit in mere weeks!!!
You are looking really low . . .any day now I just know it. I'm feeling very similar girlie so you're not alone. I feel your pain!
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