Cara

Cara has had a rough few months dealing with her dyslexia diagnosis and urology issues. She's handled it like a pro, just wish I could say the same. Mommy worry is a thing that rocks me to my core and I can't always shake it like I want to.

I am really, REALLY glad I trusted my instincts about her reading and we are on the path to helping her. Realizing the challenges she faces with phonetic awareness and dyslexia makes me in awe that she has done so well this long with those challenges. It was barely detectable to us and school totally missed it. Smart little cookie. I can't wait to see how this tutoring helps her excel. I am already noticing some differences which makes me happy.

Cara's a feisty little athlete and I love watching her skills develop in volleyball, basketball and soccer. She has the natural ability to be a leader and we are trying to foster that. SP is coaching her basketball this year and I love seeing the two of them together. Cara really responds to help and idolizes him.

It's been particularly cool to see her pick up her basketball without us prompting her and she'll just start dribbling. I love that she has something she likes and is doing well at. I get so excited when I watch her playing. My inner redneck comes out and I get all loud with my cheering. Poor kid. The embarrassing mom has arrived.

Ramsey

This week we asked Ramsey to clean her room. Nothing unusual, just clean your room.

For me...I want everything in it's place, and preferably, unseen. Clothes in closet and in dresser. Shoes in closet. Toys in the toy bin. Books in the bookshelf. A clean room to me means no clutter.

This is not what is means for Rams. We checked out here cleaned room and this is what we found:

• shoes paired and lining the parameter of her bed
• toy bins removed from shelves and lined up perfectly on the floor
• Barbies lined up next to the shoes one right after the other.
• stuffed animals lining the shelf above her bed
• books stacked next to the stuffed animals

She had pulled everything out of its "place" and lined the floor with it. You could barely walk but everything was organized and in prefect lines.

This, is Ramsey. She is not tucked away someplace not to be seen. She is out in the middle of everything and exactly where she should be.

We made it past the 1st trimester at school where we were on "probation" because we informed them of her sensory issues. I think this was a CYA on their part, but she has excelled. While home time has been a little rockier than we'd like, at school she is doing everything we ask her to do. We think she just needs an outlet when she gets home so she's unleashing some of that pent up whateverness.

She's a special little girl and while there are moments I feel sheer frustration, I see such a special spark in her that I am trying like hell to cultivate and nurture. Her stubbornness and frequent screaming makes that challenging sometimes, but I think we are both learning and growing. While I don't want to wish away time I do look forward to seeing all she can achieve in life.

Worry

Sometimes I think my entire time so far as a mom has been overshadowed by worry. Worry with the undercurrent of fear about everything. It is all wrapped in love but kids don't always see it that way. 

I spend a lot of time worrying about my girls. I worry about their happiness, friendship, education, blah, blah, blah. Am I doing enough. Too little. Are they happy. Are they sad. 

Worry all the time and I wish I could just relax and enjoy the moment. I fear that if I don't worry and miss something it will impact them for the rest of their lives. 

Worrying is exhausting. 

Kindergarten and second grade

The first day of school went well. No tears other than mine. Both girls were super excited. 

Big sisters are the best

There are moments as a mom when you catch a glimpse of all your efforts with your kids actually working. This was one of those moments. First full day of kindergarten for Rams. Her big sister holding her hand and walking her into school. It does not get any better than this. 

Time flies but we stop to smell the flowers

365

It's been quite some time since I wrote here. A year to be exact. A year. 365 days of moments and memories that have passed. Some days I remember. Others I do not. And that makes me sad. My memory sucks. I get so caught up in the planning that I somehow forget to take that mental snapshot and file all that happens away in a special spot for future viewing. 

As I stumbled up a picture of C this last week from kindergarten I realized her first grade year had come and gone without a captured word. Not one written here. I got consumed with living. Surviving. Barely keeping my head above water sometimes as I navigated through the waters of motherhood. I failed a little I think by not doing the one thing that I love so much, writing. I always wanted to tell our stories. I always wanted my girls to look back one day and know their mom noticed when they did something, anything, everything.

I wanted to remind myself and them that there was a time just like this one when I cried and worried and loved them fiercely. A time when I stressed over bed times and shoes and what in the hell to pack in their lunches. I time when I spent hours trying to turn their beautiful blonde hair from green back to its normal color after days and days in the pool. 

Being a mom is fucking hard. There will be a moments, many of them, where I mess up. I cuss. I yell. I cry and lose my shit because I have no manual and just want to be successful at this one special role more than anything else. And I fail. I fall down and see them look at me failing. That's when I have to get up and show them I can mess up and still love them and still be a good mom. Show myself. 

So I need to write. Write the mundane. Write the uniquely special moments that are mint chocolate chip ice cream sandwiches that Cara lives right now. Write about how Ramsey's asking for those flowery ice cream thingies that I don't recall but she likely had once when she was 2 and remembers like it was yesterday. 

Write because I don't want to sort through a box of pictures and forget this was the year Ramsey started kindergarten and was missing her boyfriend Owen from her old school. Write because Cara started first grade will almost all of her baby teeth and now they are gone replaced by crooked reminders that babies grow up and mine aren't exempt from that. 

So welcome back. Welcome back me and welcome back you.