School update...

We are moving through the last week of February and will have officialy been at R's new school 1 month. In that time it feels like a dark cloud has been lifted and we are starting to see the return of our happy, mischevious, funny and loving R.

She is calmer. We are calmer. Our lives, which felt like a never ending rollar coaster with too many drops and corkscrews, have leveled out a bit. We are all feeling the positive impact of this change.

I think we did our best to try and work things out at her old school and feel fortunate that they worked with us for as long as they did. But the reality is, a smaller classroom setting is what she needs. She is thriving.

That's not to say she isn't a three year old with her moments and tantrums, because she is and we are totally ok with that. We can handle, and have handled, three year old tantrums. Sure it sucks sometimes, but manageable.

Before this school move it felt like we were in a neverending three year old tantrum. From the moment we woke up until the time we went to bed we were on edge. We could not figure out where R's sensory issues stopped and behavioral things began. They were all tangled together.

Now, it's like the sensory cloud has been lifted and all we see are behavior things. Behavior things that all kids go through.

I am not saying those sensory things are completely gone, because they aren't. We still do our "exercises" in the morning for heavy work. I still do a lot of bear hugs and massage. We still go to OT. The difference is we have addressed something that was a major part of her every day life, and it's working.

Cross your fingers it keeps working.

6 years

Last week my little girl turned 6 and I am not sure how time flies so quickly, but it does. I also found out on the same day that someone very, very close to me has Breast Cancer. Those two events will forever be intertwined in my brain. In my struggle to celebrate my daughter's birthday, while crying on the inside, I failed to write her birthday post. Not the first or last time I will screw up I am sure. I hope she can forgive me.

Dear C,
You are by far one of the sweetest, gentlest, kindest little girls I know. Your sensitivity to the world around you and awareness of those hurting, and in need, is far greater than most adults. You are a feeler. A giver. Someone who loves to your core and looks at life with such sweet innocence.

When you were a baby, I would nuzzle your little head and wish I could bottle up all the baby goodness that was you. As you grow older I have wanted to do that at pretty much every single point in your life. I know I can't. I can't stop you from growing. I can't shelter you from a life that I fear will change you...but I want to. So I am capturing it here. This will be my bottle.

As a six year old you fluxuate between super confident and insecure. Thankfully the confidence usually wins, but there are moments of doubt. I try to navigator through those times of doubt as best as I can and hope I am showing you through my example of how to navigator through this world.

I love that a pair of hand me down boots make you feel like you are a rockstar. If you throw in a purse and a hairstyle you think is cute, and well, watch out world! You get a little swagger and pep in your step. I find that to be the case about great shoes for me as well. :)

You are on that edge where you want to be a big girl, while still crawling up in my lap like a little girl. I am thinking I will let you crawl into my lap until you are 80 if that's what you wish. There's no such thing as spoiling you with cuddle time.

Book reading, writing, drawing, crafting, dancing, singing, etc. are all things you love to do. Our house is filled with your art projects and books. We do tumbling every week for 1.5 hours and it's awesome to see your determination when you want to master something. It's equally as awesome to see your face when you know you nailed it.

We just went through our first round of selling G*rl Sc*ut Cookies and I think the overall experience as a GS has been in a good one for you. It's great to see you interacting with the other girls and the lessons they teach are really valuable ones that will benefit you long term.

At home we still hang out every night and chat before bed. We talk about your day, what you find interesting, and sometimes nothing at all...we just cuddle. (Again, no such thing as too much cuddling.) I love those moments with you. I hope it's something that we can do together forever.

I told you on your birthday Thank You For Making Me a Mom. And I meant it. You changed my life in so may positive ways and cause me to grow and become a better person daily. I can't wait to see what this next year brings you.

I Love You.
Mommy

Owl

In a few short days this sweet girl turns 6. I look at her and no longer see a little baby, or toddler, or preschooler. She's growing up which I both love and hate. I love who she is becoming but hate knowing that one day she won't want me to cuddle in bed with her at night like we do now.

On Saturday we did a painting party and it was a hit. C was so freaked out the day of. She is so like her mom when it comes to new things. Amid the tears (twice that morning) she said, "I am NERVOUS." We had never been to this paint place. She had never been to a painting party. But I knew she would love it so we gently guided her outside of her comfort zone.

And guess what? She loved it.

She was SO excited she could hardly contain herself. Between her new outfit, her friends being there and doing something she really enjoys it was almost too much for her. I loved watching her as she listened to the teacher instruct her and then do the steps to complete her painting.

I am confident this is something we will do again. Love my girl and her owl.

Drip

Have you ever heard the drip of a leaking faucet? A DRIP, DRIP, DRIP that starts out to be something you barely notice on the edge of your awareness. It's there, but distance or distraction mute the drip, drip, drip and sometimes you forget the drip is there at all.

Then there are times with the DRIP is louder. Night time maybe, when the house is settled and you are quiet. It starts out feeling meditative, almost calming in its repetition. DRIP. DRIP. DRIP.

Overtime, as the drip continues, it begins to seem more present, louder even though nothing about the drip has really changed.

You try to fix it. You try to block it out. You muffle it. You accept it. You fight it. But the drip continues. DRIP. DRIP. DRIP.

Then the dread comes in. When you are awake, you hear it. When you are trying to sleep, you hear it.

DRIP.DRIP.DRIP.

The drip consumes you. It's all you talk about. It overshadows everything you do because it's made you tired and cranky and irritable. People dismiss it because, well, they can't hear it or don't hear it as often as you do, so it's not their problem.

DRIP.DRIP.DRIP.

You turn the faucet tighter. Looser. You read books on plumbing and call in various experts to stop the drip. You talk to the drip, asking it to stop. You try to plug it up, but the water finds it's way out and continues to drip, drip, drip into the sink. You avoid the room with the leaky faucet. You turn the music up louder to drown out the sound. You wear ear plugs and put a pillow over your head at night.

One day, out of nowhere, the drip stops. You are shocked by the silence and skeptical at first. Then you allow yourself to relax. You feel proud of your efforts to fix the leak and relieved that it's stopped. You are hopeful and rested and calm.

DRIP.

Cross your fingers, toes, legs, arms, eyes, etc.

Yesterday started a new chapter in our lives with R starting a new preschool. Everything about this school is different from what we are used to but we are hopeful that it will be a good fit for her.

Day 1

I had talked with her new teacher about drop off...one hug and one kiss and out the door and I left, R stayed. Drop off has always been an issue with lots of crying and fit throwing. Shit, the drive TO school was hellish most days and I dreaded it EVERY SINGLE MORNING. I was worried that she would freak out when I dropped her off, but she didn't. NOT AT ALL. It does help tremendously that their drop off process is different from what we've experienced in the past. You either drop off in one classroom before 9 or you do carpool at 9. Simple.

We realized last night, after R had a MAJOR fit, that she had not eaten any of her lunch. Taking her lunch is a change for her and us so we'll have to figure that out. If she had her way, she'd eat carbs and candy and not much else. It's not that she doesn't like fruit or veggies, but what she "likes" changes almost daily. What I pack the night before with her input, could not be what she likes the next day. So, it'll be trial and error for a bit.

Naptime was a bit of a struggle, but that was the only struggle. There was no biting, no hitting, no aggressive outbursts, nothing of the sort. She played well. She used her words. She transitioned pretty smoothly.

I am trying to not get my hopes up to much, because it was only the first day, but I really do hope this works. I want so much for her to be in an environment where she can thrive and be happy. It can't be easy for her to to feel so much stress and anxiety.

Last night she crashed out almost immediately. After weeks and weeks and WEEKS of her not sleeping through the night she did last night. MAYBE we are on to something?

Day 2

Drop off this morning was a little different in that we got there a little earlier than yesterday so there was a line. That's more for me to know and adjust to than R. It made things a bit more chaotic, but still no issues when I left her.

I've received a couple of pictures from her teacher today with quick notes that things are going well. Hopefully lunch and nap go better today.

DIY

C has taken an interesting liking to all things DIY. She'll sit forever if we let her and watch home renovation shows. It seems kid shows and movies are something she wants to take part in watching. Bring on the kitchen and bathroom demolitions.

Along with her interest in the DIY shows, she also talks a lot about how to renovate her room. Move the closet here and the window there. The door would be better suited on that wall. She doesn't fully understand that we can't easily move the door to her bedroom to another location. Painting is one thing, door and window moving is another.

I am fascinated by her level curiosity in these shows. It's not like we spend a lot of time renovating things around here. We're not super handy. I don't have an eye for design or a flair for color.

Though I do recall a time when I had a notebook filled with clippings of things I liked in houses. I had drawn out my own floor plan in my unskilled hand. So, I guess she's not too different from her mom. Can't wait to see where this interest takes her.

Change...

Last Friday sucked. There's really no other way to say it. I cried A LOT.

 

After weeks and weeks of almost daily issues at school it became clear that we needed to make a change. R is trying to tell us something in her 3 year old way and we really can't continue down this path expecting something different to happen. We have tried EVERYTHING to make it work. The school has been working with us, but I feel like we have overstayed our welcome and it's time to go.

 

The reality is that a classroom size of 22 kids just may be too much for her. That's what her OT told us and we've been trying to avoid because, well, transitions suck for her too. If we could figure out a way to make where we were work, we were all for it. But, it wasn't. That isn't really fair to R and it's not fair to the other kids she was in class with.

 

I spent a lot of time prior to Friday looking in to other preschools. Trying to find one that is small in size AND accommodates two working parents is pretty much impossible. It's typically church programs that are smaller and most only have preschool in the AM and no extended care.

 

Our options ended up being to put her in another facility that met our work schedule needs but didn't really meet her sensory needs OR focus on her sensory needs and sacrifice some things in the grown up world. To move schools doesn't just impact us, it impacts my whole family and that's tough for us to handle. To make this work for R we have to call on my family to help in ways we have not needed to before. Having them help then impacts other members of my family because it makes my parents less available to help them. This is tough for SP and I to handle but we have to do what is best for R.

 

The school we are going to try is SMALL. VERY, VERY SMALL in comparison to what we are used to. There will be 8 kids in her class and most days not even that many as most kids only go part time. That's a major difference from a class of 22. The preschool is part of an Episcopal church and a former classmate of R's goes there. He had similar sensory issues and this change seems to work for him. Cross your fingers it works for us.

 

We were supposed to start a "trial" period today but this snowy weather has closed the schools. So we'll try on Wednesday. I really hate to put all my eggs in this basket, but running out of options.