37 Weeks

I loved Amy's picture with her dad, so Dad and I took one of our own.

I am home today for no other reason that I am in my 38th week of pregnancy and tired both physically and mentally. It's likely the "right" thing to do would be to march on at work but honestly, I have marched on at work pretty much the entire 38 weeks, even while throwing up. I am worn out.

Today I feel: warm and cozy on my sofa with my dog at my feet. I am going to nap in a second. Woohoo.

I'll take it

They weren't kidding when they said the last few weeks of pregnancy would feel like the previous 8 months all squished together.

There's a little puking. There's a little constipation. There's a little weight gain. There's a little swelling and joint pain. There's a lot of crazy hormones and irritability.

We all know the baby has to come out. No one ever had the opposite happen. It just doesn't even if it feels like that might be the case. Still, when presented with even a kernel of positive news, no matter how small, one embraces it and clings heavily to the possibilities it represents.

I am officially 1 cm dilated and 70% effaced. Had a little bloody "preview" but I am not sure I would classify it as a full fledged "show".

Everyone keeps asking me now what this means. Hell if I know but while I was at the doctor it meant not having a complete meltdown. I needed something. Something that reminded me there would be a point, soon, where I would deliver Biscuit and be a mom. That it was not all uncomfortableness and depression.

So, now we wait and see what happens next. Biscuit and I have already had the discussion regarding her need to arrive soon so that we can be there when her cousin Bean is born since they have scheduled Dawn's c-section for 2/19. Hopefully she will comply.

Today I feel: mentally a little better with this news

Why I love the Internet

A few years ago now, I met a beautiful soul from Canada via the Internet. It amazes me even to this day that I can feel such a strong connection and friendship with a girl I have never met. But I believe it's akin to pen pals from years past. Our lives have taken twists and turns and we have grown close in a world where we have never heard the other speak.

Last year saw the birth of S's little girl and this year it will be my turn. Thank you so much S for the wonderful gifts. XOXO

A little action

One of the best quotes from Steel Magn*lias is spoken by Clairee: The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.

When I first made it known I was pregnant a co-worker told me about someone they knew that said pregnancy has a way of returning us to a very animalistic state. For many of us, grasping that concept is not easy or welcomed because while our bodies are changing to accommodate the life we are brewing, it is not proper in society to take on other animalistic characteristics while pregnant.

Sure, it's more acceptable in the delivery room to howl like a wolf or scream like a cheetah but for 9 months leading up to that point you are often made to feel like embracing ALL of the animal in you, good and bad, isn't really acceptable.

I think I would feel so much better if I could get up every day and just scream. Or maybe howl or both. Scream not because I am unhappy about my pregnancy because I am not. Scream because things are stretching and moving and expanding and happening in preparation for the birth of my baby girl. What an animalistic guttural release. How freeing that sounds. Maybe tomorrow I will try it.

For now, I must tell you that the baby is dropped a bit. The cramping in my lower belly which I originally attributed to the added fiber in my diet is still there but nothing regular. Pretty constant discomfort on my right side and into my back area. We'll just see where this takes me.

Today I feel: tired and a little stressed about work.

Am I giving up?

Yesterday, I found a WHITE eyebrow hair. What the hell is that? I haven't even given birth yet and I am already going white.

Last night, I slept like crap and Copper woke me up before 6 to go out to do her business.

Today, I wore an Old Navy fleece "sweatshirt" to work and my hands and wrists swelled so bad I could not get my watch off.

Tomorrow, well, it's a new day and I may actually try to wear something that doesn't look like it cost $12.

Wish me luck.

Sausage fingers

This weekend I woke up and my hands were so swollen you couldn't see the creases where my knuckles where. My wrists, toes and ankles were also joining the swelling party and when I looked in the mirror I saw my left eye decided to come along for the ride as well. SEXY.

Thankfully, after visiting the doctor today, this is one of those "normal" parts of pregnancy and the lack of protein in my urine or high blood pressure indicted no areas of concern. Well, no concern for the doctor. I am afraid someone will try to fry up these fat fingers and eat them for breakfast. Sausage finger anyone?

In other doctor related news, heartbeat sounded nice and strong. Measuring at 36 cm which is right on track. Had my strep B test and will get the results next week. Doctor's hand up my crotch found an undilated cervix and Biscuit's head down. I must say that the whole idea that he could tell where her head was both fascinated me and grossed me out. It makes sense though, that she is head down because I SWEAR she is stretching by pushing her little feet right between my boobs and spreading both her arms out to the side.

So, I go back next Monday and every week now until she arrives. I am getting ready to run out and get some last minute things I realized that we didn't have. I also think I have FINISHED my thank you cards, so if you were expecting one and have not received it, please let me know. I am pretty anal about that and well, I must admit it was difficult to write them from memory as more than one list was lost in transit back to Cincy.

Today I feel: surprisingly OK. It always makes me feel better knowing Biscuit is on track. And I have my massage and pedi tonight so what more could a girl ask for other than a million dollars?

Names and other things

We are at that point where people are asking us if Biscuit has a real name. Actually, people have pretty much been asking us all along just now with more frequency. I am somewhat hesitant to tell people because people tend to lack tact with regards to the things they say to you, even about the potential name of your furture child. It's bizarre really, the things that people say, like telling me they'd never name their baby that or they simply say, Oh! I don't really like that name.

Actually, I have learned that people lack personal filters with regards to a lot of things that are pregnancy related. Sometimes it feels like a competition and honestly that's not the vision I had of becoming part of that sisterhood of mothers. I'v heard more about how awful pregnancy is, how painful labor and delivery is and how identity sucking motherhood is than I have about the opposite.

What I don't need is the negative. I need the positive. The reinforcement that this path that we have chosen is all worth it. I need the stories of great strength and success. I need to be lifted up by the words of other women who have gone down this road before me. Competiting at this juncture in my life, about this, is not what I want. So, I am going to try and tune all that out so when Biscuit comes it will be all positive and no negative.

I think too, I may start telling people we are naming her Blueberry Pancake or something like that because it's all the rage with the celebrities right now to go for that over the top uniqueness.

Today I feel: swollen, bitchy, excited that our girl may be here soon