A million times

I have sat down a million times it seems in the last week or so to write...and I write a bit and then stall. It's not for lack of things to say, that's never really been a problem for me, but more of a lack of how to say it.

Simply put, my best friend since I was in high school has Stage 2 Breast Cancer. This isn't my first encounter with this nasty disease, and I am sure it won't be my last. But it feels different.

SP asked me why it was different. Why was this time different than when my own Mom experienced BC? What about this is making it so difficult for me that I am crying or lashing out with anger or distracted and walking around in a daze or trying to be postive and hopeful but deeply saddened by the whole thing?

It's not that I love my friend more than I do my own mother or feel more devastated in this moment than I did years ago when my mom was diagnosed. It's really an apples to oranges situation with Breast Cancer at the rotten core.

Looking back I feel very sheltered from my mom's cancer journey. This was most likely her doing to help buffer us a bit, to protect us, if she could, from any more pain than we were already experiencing. It also could have been because I was so self-absorbed and immature I didn't think to ask to be more involved, but honestly I am not sure I could have at the time and she knew that. I am grateful for that buffer and for her wisdom...mom's tend to know the right things to do even when they are sick.

What I am finding now is there is a closeness, a realness, to this experience. I am not sheltered and I am not choosing to be sheltered. I cannot for one second think about backing away from this experience no matter how difficult it is for me, because it's not about me. I have not spent over half my life cultivating a friendship with J to just run. If I up and retreat when things are their most difficult what kind of friend would I be, what kind of person would I be? That's not what we do...we never have and our lives over the last 20+ years have not always been great but we fought the good fight together. We'll do that again now.

Trying to put it into words right now is really tough. I think I will just let my thoughts simmer for a bit more...