Many firsts and lasts

Last night I sat in the rocking chair with Miss R in my arms, rubbed my cheek against the softness of her baby-fine hair and cried. I think I was crying for many reasons ranging from the ridiculous to the deeply rooted emotional reasons.

Today I started back to work and as I rocked Miss R last night I whispered in her ear how sorry I was that we could no longer spend our days together but how much I completely enjoyed every second of our twelve weeks at home today. I told her that while Mommy was sad she wouldn't get the one-on-one time that Miss C got, Mommy was happy knowing that C would be there to look out for R every day when Mommy wasn't there.

I am also sorry that I am not that woman who could be a stay at home mom. I told R this too. It's not that I don't love her and C with the fierceness of a gazillion stay at home moms, because I do. It's actually because I love them both so much that I can admit that while I could be a successful stay at home mom, I enjoy working. I am good at what I do and believe that I have realized over the last two plus years what it will take for me to balance my work life and my family life. I also have realized I will NEVER sacrifice the latter for the former...EVER.

I hope one day my girls understand that while I choose to work and not stay at home with them, I did it knowing they would be well taken care of where they were. Should I ever have doubts we would make changes, like we did with C's first day care, so they are. That does include me staying home with them if that is what is necessary to give them the best life has to offer.

I went and visited R today in the Cardinal room. She was fine. Tiny in such a small place with other kids stumbling and bumbling around. She didn't know I was gone. The women who care for her are the same ones who cared for C when she first started and they are great. I know R will thrive just like her sister but it's never easy to leave your baby. There is so much trust one must have to turn and walk away with someone else holding your child. One of the hardest things I have EVER done in life.