Umm...what was I thinking?

In their defense the people at the day care did nothing wrong. They weren't letting the babies run with scissors or play in traffic. They weren't beating them or pressing their hands to hot surfaces. They were fine.

But that's just it...they were FINE. They were fine in a 1 caregiver to 6 kind of way. Which, they are quick to point out is the state mandate.

1 caregiver to 6 from a 1 to 1 ratio.

Doesn't sit right with me.

I know...I KNOW! There are moms all over the place who do this and do it with ease. It's tough. I am not the only mother in the history of motherhood to feel this way. I get that. But this is my baby. MY BABY. And to be quite frank, I don't want her fucking sitting for periods of time with the only interaction she has is hearing other babies crying.

You see, I, like the day care, put Miss C in her swing, crib and bouncy seat. The difference, which I find to be a big one, is that when she is not sleeping I am always interacting with her. ALWAYS. I know you think I am embellishing. But I am not. I talk to her about everything...when I am in the shower, when I am reading a book, when I am making bottles or cleaning up or whatever. We talk and laugh and sing.

I just didn't get the feeling today that when those other 5 kids were being tended to that Miss C would get those things.

Sure they will care for her. I am not doubting that. They will feed her and try to keep her on schedule. They will put her in a safe crib and change her diaper regularly. But I am not sure I am satisfied with just that.

Not now.

Later, I am all for her being in day care/preschool. I think she needs to interact with other kids and know there is value in that. But not now.

So, I cried all the way home. Sobbed.

We have been trying to work out a deal with a nanny...it may happen sooner than expected. Just until we get on at the day care at my work...and until she's a little older.