Birth Plan

This birth plan expresses my desires and preferences for the birth of our baby girl.

• The arrival of my labor will be announced via the delivery of 9 dozen red roses. One for each month of my pregnancy. Attached will be a short note that says, You are now in labor.
• Following the arrival of the roses, a pregnancy stylist will arrive to help me pick out the best outfits for the trip to the birthing center, the delivery, the recovery and the departure from the birthing center.
• While I review the finest figure flattering styles, I will get a manicure, pedicure and my hair styled. In addition, the hair on my legs will be painlessly waxed away.
• Once dressed, sufficiently manicured and fully in labor without a cramp or contraction in site, a limo will arrive to drive me to the birthing center.
• I will sip champagne and eat chocolate covered strawberries as the limo carries me to my destination.
• The birthing center will be like walking into the finest spa in the world complete with low lighting, fluffy robes and people waiting on you hand and foot.
• If there is another woman giving birth at the same time I will not know she is even exists. The staff of the birth center will greet me at the door and will make me feel like I am the only person on the planet giving birth.
• My labor outfit will be replaced with my delivery outfit as I eat grapes and cheese and get a back massage.
• The scent of lavendar will surround me and candles will be everywhere. The space will be void of loud noises, obnoxious smells, beeping monitors, or anything resembling a clinical environment.
• SP will be by my side the entire time getting his own male version of pampering.
• Soft music will be playing and those tending to me, while medically trained, will blend with the environment, not clash with it.
• Once comfortably massaged, pampered, lavendared and catered to, I will give a gentle nod and the baby will slide right out.
• There will be no pushing, no burning, no bowel movments on a delivery table, no episiotomy, no discomfort or displeasure of any kind.
• Baby Biscuit will arrive all pink and clean just like in the movies.
• She will gracefully cry and then immediately breast feed without complication.
• Once her belly is full she will be held by her daddy as I change into my recovery outfit.
• SP, Baby Biscuit and I will lie together in an oversized bed full of pillows and satin sheets. More flowers will be delivered, more champagne and cheese, more lavendar and soft music.
• All will be right in the world.